Each time
by Jessikaa
Summary: Yeah, each time I died a little more inside. But I stay. Why? Because even just a little part of him shared with the world is better than nothing...for me.
1. Chapter 1

Each time

Justin's POV

When I was with Brian in the beginning, before the bashing, I would have done something to stop the misery I was in right away. Whatever shit he would have pulled on me, I would have confront him. I would have done anything to make him realize what he was passing by, what he was missing, just like the time he was dancing with these two tricks and I lured them away from him in a matter of seconds… But not now… Now, I was always insecure about myself: my self-confidence cracked at the same time my skull and the bat did at the prom.

So what? Well, I was slowly going back to what I had (this self-confidence, the pleasure to be looked up by someone worth the same courtesy, …) but not because of Brian only, not because he accepted the rules and everything, but because, when I thought I wasn't worthy of attention deep inside and because, even if I know Brian has issues with love, I never heard the words I was waiting for for so long, I never had anything remotely romantic from Brian (except the prom, but I don't remember it); well, I had all these things and more with Ethan. So, I left him, the night of the Rage party, Ethan came and I left with him… Left Brian behind… His eyes looking so damn hurt for a fraction of second, or so I think.

And, when I realized what a mistake I did, I tried and succeed to make him take me back. But it wasn't like before, no, God no! It was worst than anything he put me through before. No more rules, no living with him, not even a complete night with just us. Like the time I had just blew him into oblivion, pure ecstasy, I did the most perfect blow-job I had ever did before, using every skills I learned, thinking that maybe, _maybe_, he'll let me stay the night and rebuilding a little trust or whatever was damaged between us… And then:

"Bam bam bam!"

"Sorry, that's my eleven o'clock!"

And that was it! He just, left the bed to answer that damn door and this fucking trick and I dressed and went to him and even the little speech he made and the snarky comment I threw to this guy or even the kiss that followed didn't make me feel a tiny bit better!

And I swallowed it all. Again and again and again…

And each time I saw him with a trick, each time he chose one of them over me I died a little more inside…

And tonight is not different… Well, maybe worst in a way. I'm sitting with the guys quietly, like very night I come here (only if Brian take me, otherwise I just go home and call it a night), and I don't drink, nor dance, nor talk, nor look at anybody else aside of the guys but that's only by moments and just for a few seconds, to let them know I'm still with them (otherwise I look in the distance, thinking).

At first, Emmett and Ted were all over me: "why don't you drink?" shrug, and "why don't you dance?" nod, and "you're awfully quiet, is everything alright?" slight smile. That's all the answers they got from me. I don't know if they talked to Brian. And Michael just get more protective of Brian than before, that leads to him being also more hostile than ever with me. But, like always, I shrug it off. But finally they got used to it.

And then there was Brian coming to us, just going out of the backroom… My heart swells a little to see his owner, his Master really, returning. And my face broke in a little smile, slightly larger than I do usually because only Brian can make me feel good now. Never again did I take on full-wattage Sunshine smile anymore. I just can't manage it. But there are times when Brian does something for me, like taking me to the backroom or the loft with him or sitting beside me at the Diner not beside Mickey, once in awhile, I come close to a Sunshine smile. But, no, never a real or full-wattage smile anymore.

But at the same time I smile, I feel a little bit more of me dying inside and, thanks to Brian, I hide it well behind layers of nothingness, old routine here.

Emmett's POV

And just like that, Brian comes out of the backroom and walks to us! I look at Baby, knowing that I shouldn't hope for a reaction but hoping anyway. Well, he smiles at least… Not staring into nothingness but scratching his wrist almost hard enough to draw blood. It's something he does all the time now; he doesn't even seem to notice he's doing it. And he scratches, scratches and scratches. And, today, it happens. He breaks the skin but he doesn't react. He continues. Blood slowly drips from his wrist but I wait anyway to see if he is going to notices it or stops or whatever, anything! But no! He goes on and on and on and he is digging his nails in his veins and…

"Justin!" I call.

He stops everything and turns toward me like in a daze, eyes a little glassy, like he just begins to feel the pain he inflicted himself. He looks at me, waiting that I say something. I take his hand in mind and turning to go to the bathroom, I come face to face with Brian. I look at him hard and, I don't know what happens in my head but, anyway, I slap him so hard my hand throb painfully. I go off like that with Justin completely oblivious to what just transpired in direction of the bathroom.

We passed thirteen to twenty minutes in there, me trying to heal and reason him to do something, anything for him to get better and return to us and him looking again into nothingness until I tell him I finished and we can go back to the guys. He looks up, smile this very sly smile, whispers a 'thanks' and walks out with me hot on his heels.

Back to the guy, Brian doesn't even bother to look at me but check Justin up. Sizing him up and down. Then, some guy offered a 'come-hitting' look and he is gone in a flash! I look at Justin who is damn near an emotional break-down, his right eye twitching a little and I can tell he is close to tears. But, he looks into nothingness yet again and settles down on the stool he just left, close his eyes for a few seconds and when he opens them again, everything's back to 'normal': his eyes are dry, staring into space and nobody's in particular (never). But, I can see a little more of the life within is gone. Just like that. And I feel so fucking hurt myself. Just to see Justin like this make me feel sick in the stomach and like I'd be ready to kill Kinney if he was to do anything even remotely able to piss me off in the second… Wait! He did just that, now!

I growl, "You!"

The guys are looking at me strangely, like I had gone mad and they were frightened. Well, they're damn right to be afraid of me right now! But, I won't confront him here. I'll wait for tomorrow…

Next day, the Diner

All the gang is here when I arrive; even the asshole and Baby. The last of the two seems not to even bother anymore to smile. He looks at his bandaged wrist and then attacks the other just as I sit down across him. I slap his hand away.

"Oh, no, no, no, mister! You're not going to continue with this routine! This has to stop right the fuck now, or else I'll be forced to restrain you!" I add with a smile.

"Not going to happen, Honeycutt. The boy's not into kinky bottoms like you." Brian teased.

"I know, he is into fucking sadistic bastards like you!" I say with venom dripping from every word. "And you lost the right to call me Honeycutt or tease me in anyway yesterday night, shithead!"

Everyone just gape at me as I glare at Brian.

"What got your panties in a twist, _Honeycutt?_"

"I'm not going to just sit and wait calmly for you to hurt Justin anymore, like you did for the past month. I just can't stand the fact that I know for sure that you're enjoying very much to see the hurt, the pure pain in Justin's blues whenever you chose a trick over him or something similar, _Kinney._"

He looks at me hard and say:

"If Justin wanted to tell me something, he has a tongue, so mind your own business!"

"It is my business when Justin is hurt! He is my friend and like a little brother to us and you know it!"

He doesn't respond.

"For fuck's sake, Brian, look at him!" I scream.

The Diner goes completely quiet and still. And he does look at Baby.

Justin had take off the bandage and was now playing with his cuts, his head resting on the wall beside him, seemingly oblivious to his surroundings.

"Justin? What are you doing?" I hear Teddy whispers.

Shrug. Focusing on a point to the left of Teddy.

"Feel numb. Try to feel something. Can't."

His voice is rasp, sounding like it had been passed over by sandpaper again and again. And I can't stand to hear the desperation in his voice, the raw pain that he endured every fucking day for the past month. I begin to cry and sob and so does Teddy but more quietly than me, at least. Michael just stares pityingly at Justin, like for once he wants to do something nice for him. Brian, him, can't even say anything, he just kept gazing blankly at little Sunshine and finally, a lonely tear make his way on his cheek to his mouth and chin, ending its course on Justin's cuts…


	2. Chapter 2

Brian's POV

If they think I would ever did that on purpose, well, they don't know me at all. It wasn't that I didn't want to hurt him because I wanted, a little, but never would I wish or want something that bad, to anyone, much less to Justin. My sweet angel seems so broken; I don't even remember when the light had begun to fade in his eyes… Until there's nothing left here but pure desperation. It's like seeing him just after the bashing, except that, now, he is like numb.

You know the feeling. The one that won't go away, no matter what we do, which take strength in the fact that, even when you fight it, you know you won't tamed it. The beast of nothingness, that settles down in your belly and spreads in your limbs like the most terrible sickness, which attacks your brain… And, when it's in your head, it is worst because it plants doubts and insecurities. It crashes your self-confidence and the trust you have in yourself and others.

But I never (_never)_ thought that Justin would feel that way. I thought he was too strong to be crush by my attitude. Hell, he proves me just that before. I don't know what happened between to… Ian. Of course! That was so obvious I didn't think about it. Justin probably thinks that he was stupid to fall for the fiddler's bullshit, and now he thinks that he really doesn't deserve true love and blah blah blah, because his two attempts at relationships failed. Worse, he thinks he has to put up with my shit and not call me on it like he uses to because I would throw him.

So with the seeds of doubts and insecurities already there, it was just a matter of time for him to simply snap… His body and mind have shut down to protect themselves of all the changes (of himself and the people around him). My sweet baby (don't you tell him I called him that or I rip your balls off…) has had enough to react like someone else, to be someone else…

Because _this_ is not Justin… It is some pale and fade copy of what he uses to be, he never would have allowed himself to hurt like that and not react. He would have confronted me a long long time ago. But, with the "no-rules" phase returning and not living with me anymore, plus the load of bullshit I have put him through since he's back… I understand a little.

There's something that bother me still… I don't know what it is but it's here, you know? Like if my mind wanted me to see something important… Ah! I know… It's the comparison between the bashing and now that I made. I said: "_It's like seeing him just after the bashing, except that, now, he is like numb. You know the feeling. The one that won't go away, no matter what we do, which take strength in the fact that, even when you fight it, you know you won't tamed it." _Remember? _Numb…_

After the bashing he took his strength from the rage he had inside, from his inner emotions and his love for me… He fought his fears because he knew it wasn't his fault that he was in the shape he was in… What if Justin believes he deserves to feel so damn bad? God, maybe it's because he knows he hurts me that he wants to hurt himself! "_Even when you fight it…"_

I know, now… There's no question here… He really doesn't fight it because he thinks he deserves it.


End file.
